With blurred vision,

I got my thoughts straight,
I'm better now. I really am.
I just needed to cry, and I did.
I cried, and cried and cried...until I puked.
I cried until my eyes burned when they hit the sun, until I puked. It was a weird feeling, but after I felt new.
That moment ment a lot to me, I'm starting to want more.

I Don't want to let it all fall,

TRYNOTTOSAVEME.TRYNOTTOCARE.
CAHPTER ONE: Honest Time; I'm a horrible fucked up person. I was brought to tears when the girl I like, said the fucking sweetest things about me, I literally haven't cried that hard in a long time. I Saw something in the words she spoke, I thought to myself, "Hey, she wouldn't be saying this if it wasn't true, you should try to see it in you." So I'm starting to believe, I CAN change, and I CAN get my head in the right places. My story should end here.

CHAPTER TWO: Please come home; Everything is fake. My smile I put on, the emotions I lead you into, the person you believe I am, FAKE. I hide myself, you'll never get in. You wouldn't want to, I'm fucked up. I'm a mess, I can't sleep, I bleed for euphoria, I'm addicted to the one thing I wished never to get addicted to, I'm a cheater and a liar, I'm so insecure, I'm ashamed of myself and I have no self respect. I use sex and lust to feel wanted and cared about, to fill that empty feeling in my gut that tells me "nobody cares", when all I want to do is be held and to tell you whats wrong. I cry myself to sleep at night, the simplest compliment make me cry because I know its a lie, Nobody is capable of loving me, I'm a monster, I run from the truth in all direction, I live in the past. I shed my skin and say that I'm going to start over and I never do, I can't. People give up on me, they can't handle it, I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I bury myself in my own misery, I hate when people care, but I need them to. I have problems; NOT cries for attention, by you saying this it only makes them 300 times worse. I'm NOT okay and I WON'T be fine. And now I'm doing the one thing I hate the most. I'm venting and sobbing in front of a computer, but it's the only person here.

CHAPTER THREE: Your always watching me to see if your head should hang down; The one thing i wish for is someone. I need a fucking divine intervention, I need just for someone to listen to me cry and hear what i have to say, I need something, but I don't know. Are you with me? Are you reading this? Can you feel my pain? Because I can, I feel it everyday, I feel it so much, I'm used to it, its part of me, I hate it. Be there, please.

I wonder,

I wonder at times, Wheres the light at?
"There's always a light at the end, just stay patient and wait for it."

A person can only wait for so long until they give up,
I gave up a long time ago.

Thanks for caring, thanks for checking up on me, seeing how I've been, why I'm crying so much, why I'm the worst I've ever been, why everything's changing.
I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I don't think I can say that enough,
The only person that gets me wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I want to vent to wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I want to cry to wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I trust wants n o t h i n g to do with me.

ITBREAKSMYHEART.

I must say,

I thought last years time around was fucked up, but man oh man have your proved me and everyone else wrong. You really did it this time, really though...how could you do that? Guilt? Remorse? Anything?!? It sure doesn't seem like it, I just wish you could stop "having fun" and realize how bad your fucking him up, not to mention your real life. But I guess you'll figure that out when everything hits you and then your going to, of course, blame it on someone else, because its never your fault right?
Of course, silly me.
But how does that go?
Fool me once shame on me,
Fool me twice,Shame on you.

Your so much better than this, I just wish you'd start acting like it and stop making me look so stupid for defending you.

Anyways,

They don't know you like I do.
They'll never know you

Expired

Time.
Its time to grow up, fuck.
How hard could it be right?
I mean I have people telling me not to stress, not to cry, its not worth it, the hard time will come later.
If things are hard now I can only imagine.
Habits need to stop, because I need a job.
So I need to detox. How fun, right?
But whatever there is to offer, I'm willing to take, sober though.
Different story, i guess.
Time to grow up,
How I've always yearned to hear these words,
It's such a different feeling when your older and you know how fucked up people are and just exactly how cruel this place we live in really is.
"God bless America" and all its lovely cheap tricks we get.

Your journey starts...







NOW.

Note to self;

Just because you close your eyes, doesn't mean it'll go away.

Who

Are you?

-Simple...But can you answer it?

Now

Is when I start to think,
if I'll ever stop falling down this rabbit hole,
and when exactly will reality hit me?

Then,
Is when I felt the worst and just wanted to leave.
Scars are here to stay,
and the regrets are endless.

Now,
Is when I start to trip over everything I say
because I cant believe this is really happening,
Should I stop?

Then,
Is when my heart was happy,
filled with life and hate
all because of you.

Now,
Is when I wish i never met you,
let alone tasted you,
or fallen in love with you.

Then,
Is when you had control over me,
pushed and pulled me,
and I let everything.

Now,
Is when I get over things,
I say FUCK YOU,
I don't give a fuck,
I want to be free,
I don't want you,
I don't need you,
I look in the mirror and see "fuck up"
I start worrying about the now instead of the then.