There's just one thing

That really really eats away at my core. And quite frankly, I hate the fact that it takes a dumb ass holiday to remind me exactly how fucked up I am.
It really fucks up a kid when you take her grandma one year, and her dad the following, in the same month may I add.
I hate April.
But, I really hate how people mistreat their parents and famlies. Like, I honestly don't get it, here you have TWO parents and your yelling and disrespecting them to the fullest?
Do you honestly know what I would give up in my life just to here the sentence, "Go ahead sweeite, pick the biggest tree" from my dad any fucking christmas?
Do you know what I would give up just to hug him? Or even at that just to be in his presence?
I WOULD GIVE UP MY FUCKING WORLD
It's been 8 years and I still feel like it was just yesterday.
And it really kills me that even on Christmas I have to wish for all that, because I will always be labeled as "that ungrateful child" who isnt happy with what she has.
Fuck no I'm not happy with what I have,
I was happy with what I had.
Why'd you have to take it away?

My grandma used to sing this to me all the time when I was little, she also used to have me sing this to her in the hospital, 9 years ago, the last few times I ever saw her before she died.
Her voice still sings it to me in my head every night, as I cry myself to sleep.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skys are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

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Sometimes all it takes,

Is a stupid pointless video for me to realize
excatly how much I need my friends around me
to make me forget about all my troubles.
Ifuckingloveyouguys<333

Really?

I seriously did think you were that low.
You forgot that day was MY fucking birthday?
Hasn't it been the same day for the past fucking 16 years of my life?
Oh wait, thats right,
you wouldnt even know,
why?
Because your a fucking sorry ass excuse for a father!
You wonder why I hate you so much,
just look at the shit you pull,
and just so you know,
you will NEVER be a father in my eyes,
you were never there, and you never fucking cared,
but now you want to start being a man and trying to get to know me?
FUCK YOU!
Thank the lord were just DNA
because to me the words step father are way more powerful
than "biological" in my case,
So you will NEVER be my dad,
don't even think about taking that claim,

He was more of a father to me than you will ever be.

And you know what?
I'm sooo glad your getting married,
because you deserve the most FUCKED UP LIFE you can ever be given,
and at least, with you getting married to her and all, I know for a fact
that that fucked up life will be 100% guaranteed.
Enjoy living your life in guilt.
FUCK YOU.

Sincerly,
The girl you helped create

"So is that what you call a getaway?

Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever"



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,
thats all i want to do,
and right now, I can not think of any single healthy manner
as to how exactly I am going to get rid of all this frustration.
Sometimes I wish for more than this impluse.

I'm sorry for

Always being that one person who gets under your skin.

It's not my fault, maybe you should thicken it.

I T K I L L S M E

Inside, it really does.
We're all brought up to be let down,
It's just the way life flows.


F U C K Y O U

Note To Self;

Some things just can't change,
no matter HOW fucking hard you try,
or HOW badly you want them to,
just give up kid,
your wasting your time.

"If what you hear

And see isn't all of me

Well to become part of what you've need to be ready,
Well it rips you apart,
If what you think and feel, you think maybe real,
To become part of what you need to feel honest

Well its never enough,
Denying my body impulses,
Denying my impulses, keep them inside,

Nobody notices, nobody wonders
Where it came from..."


All I have to say, is F U C K Y O U for making me feel like this again..it never seems to fail. I wish I could hate you, or maybe just erase you.

I don't know,

I don't know,
i don't know.
I don't know how to feel right now. It's pretty odd considering I'm always the one helping people in situations like this, yet I'm sitting here in utter confusion.

Where's a DAMN good fortune cookie when you need one?

YESTERDAY

Was, in all honesty, the best FUCKING day ever. No syke. I, like, want to relive that day EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.
You should've been there, it was heaven.

This month is going to be A M A Z I N G


<3

A new day

same shit...

Soo,

I think im getting sick and that sucks to the fullest extent.
I feel all BLEH and all i want to do is sleep...but I can't cuz I feel tired but when I actually lay down, I can't fall asleep. It's horrible.

Somebody come make me soup, or at least buy me some...
NO better yet, tea.
Some nice warm tea, ahhhh
Sounds amazing

I'm not a player

I just crush a lot...

Hmmm,

This could be interesting..
I just won't say anything....
And lets see where it goes.
=)

Ps;

I'm much better now.

Sept.15.2008 9:05 p.m

Isn't it just grrrreat when your comfort zone gets ripped right out from under you feet?
Fuck you, all I needed to do was release some vibes, but now thats fucking impossible right?
You wonder why I have such bad habits, when I'm trying to but all this frustration to good use and you won't let me.
Whats 20 fucking minutes out of your way? hmm? Tell me, I'm dying to know if it hurts you THAT bad.
Its bullshit...B U L L S H I T!

The frustraion builds up inside me,
Tension so thick I think I'm gonna spilt,
If the truth hurts this much,
I consider life to be the biggest bitch,
You can do whatever you want to me,
But that don't mean your lifestytle will fit,
You have to thrive on what makes you happy,
Just keep that in mind, and thats pretty much it.

Darling what is going on?

You know how you "say" your going to do or stop something, and you never really change anything? It sucks huh?

I got what I deserved...

And I LOVE it

Syke

Well, well, well. I'm super tired, and my head hurts, it suuucks. Today was fun, this whole week has been a really good week. Except for when nightfalls, then everything just gets fucked up. By yes, none other than a boy. HOW STUPID, I know but eh its like whatever. I have my ways and their not getting changed, so just deal with it. I've been happy lately, its a nice change. Even though, right now, honestly, I have no reason to be happy. Like if I sat here and said everything (including all the fucking stupid ass details), you'd be wondering why I'm so happy. But see I learned that I can't let dumb shit liek that effect me. Fuck them, If you want to be a jerk, so be it. But if your not a big enough jerk to admit your a jerk and get pissed off at me for when I call you a jerk...Then that just makes you a BITCH. I think thats worse, but anywho, like I was saying, things are pretty fucked up right now, but for once in my life I have more positive things in my life to focus on rather than; jerks, bitches, hoes, man-whores, comments that should be kept inside peoples heads, people who believe what they hear rather that actually asking about it, and any other typical high school bullshit. I'm over it, and I think thats why you keep trying to push it on me. Is because I finally learned how to let things go, and your still sour dwelling on your past.
Am I right or am I right?

LESSON OF THE DAY: Let stupid things go. Find something else to spend most of your time on rather than point out someones flaws when you, yourself, are actually three thousand times WORSE. Just because you feel better about yourself when you talk down about a certian trait that someone has, doesn't mean that you don't also have that trait in you. Think about it next time before you make a fool out of yourself.

A M A Z I N G

It really is,
I feel great.
Lets see how long this lasts,
or lets see how long until people notice and try to effect me somehow.
Whateverrrrrr,
Its all good,
you live in the moment....bottom line.
You should listen to that advice Shianne.

It's odd

How I get annoyed by that one thing, then I turn around and do it myself.
O D D...
Anyways, these past couple of days have been intense. I've like found so much out and eh it doesn't effect me one tiny bit.
O D D...
So it's 2:00AM and my phone hasn't went off, and I know exactly why. It sucks, this is weird how I'm totally sad that we haven't talked.
O D D...
School starts soon and I'm hyped up like a crackhead who just scored some free crack.
O D D...
You know, I was thinking about it earlier, and I shouldn't be doing this. I don't need both, I only need one. But I don't want one so I'm going to keep both.
Well, thats what I thought I wanted, and now I'm actually thinking about leaving one behind.
O D D...
So now tell me, what was odd about that?

I think a lot

But I never really think about GOOD things or POSTIVE things. Its pretty weird actually. You know how they say the advice you give, is actually the advice YOU yourself need to take? I think thats 100% true. I mea, I've been told I've helped soooo many people, and I've directed them towards the right way, but then I look at myself and think,
How the fuck did I do that, when I'm a complete trainwreck myself?
But see, you wouldn't know that. I keep it all in my head, and I'm never letting anyone in. No matter how well you know me or how much you tell me, I will NEVER tell anyone what I'm really thinking or how I really feel. You might honestly think I'm insane, or think I'm pretty fucked up in my head.
You may think its sad, that I'm really two different people, but it keeps me happy. I have the outside me, who all my friends know and "love" but really I bet you they would HATE who I am on the inside. Its pretty god damn intense.

I'm a good writer, I write a lot. But you'll never see those either. I found a couple of my old poems and just little things I wrote down, and they made me cringe. So I could only inagine what they would do to somebody else.

Post Secrets has been my obsession for the past 4 months i would probably say. I want to submit one, but then I'm afraid that I'll never stop submitting them, or I'm scared that someone will figure out which one I wrote. Oh well...

.

Its not that bad.....Right?

Title:

As plain as a white paper,
As empty as a jar,
As noisy as a train,
As useless as a frog

Relieved,

Am I ever,
ahhhhhhhh I hated that feeling,
Sometimes mother-nature is a bitch, and sometimes she just likes to worry the fuck out of people and take her sweet ass time bringing her presents. That was my case..

All better now =]

Isn't It Grand?

Such high hopes for the future, now I'm blessed with the stress of just actually following through with them this time. I can't back out of this one, it's what I want the most.
And besides, what else am I good at?

Sometimes

I like to think I'm fine without you,
Then I see, of course I am.....
I'm better than ever before,
But for some reason I'd rather be miserable with you.

Goodnight Forever

Goodnight,
Sleep tight,
Don't let them eat your brain at night.

I don't believe

I don't believe you can say that,

I don't believe I can believe that,

I don't believe I'm buying it,

I don't believe I'm thinking that,

I don't believe I get happy when I think about you

I don't believe anything I say can be true,

I don't believe my eyes anymore,

I don't believe myself,

But i do believe IN myself, and let me tell you...

YOU WILL NEVER BRING ME DOWN.

So

I think I lost my instructions for my "life", can I have yours? Or do I have to just try to put this together myself? That can't be fun at all. No, I am NOT complaining, beause I have everything anyone could ask for...but what I find real funny is that I didnt ask for it. It sort of just fell into place, open eyes can see I have everything....yet I dont want it, so I shut my eyes. I make up struggles, and set myself up in crappy ass situations so that way I can actually LEARN something, and I wont take everything for what its not worth, but for what it IS worth. Sometimes I can close my eyes, think about things, and I get a smile on my face, but then I peek open one eye, and the smile quickly fades. I put myself here, now I have to get myself out. A L L B Y M Y S E L F, that ways I can say look I did it, all by myself....

A L L B Y M Y M O T H E R F U C K I N G S E L F

Then, I shall dig another hole, bury myself in it and start getting out all over again.
So maybe I don't need those instructions after all, just maybe I can do this alone...

I guess you can say

I'm somewhat a fake, I mean, sure I call myself that from time to time and it really doesnt bother me when people call ME that because chances are I dont like them anyways. But what DOES bother me, is this summer I've became everything I've always looked down on. Its really hard to admit that, so I dont. I just avoid answering the question...simple enough, right? WRONG! Because I still wake up, still thinking about everything and all I want to do is stop. But I cant stop, Its not my nature to stop, all I can do is keep going...and keep on living. Good or bad, at least I'm living and NOT just existing...So I guess that gets me by.

Dead

I can't feel anything on me at this point,
I want to sleep but I can't. I'm sore, I'm burnt, and now i sound like a complainer..
But its okay because it's what I live for.