Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I’m not afraid to fail,
Got time but I hate the smell. Let’s stop to sniff the rose’s thorn, send me straight to hell. Been on this raft for weeks, no sign of help or a beach. I lose sight of the bigger part, And I’m really laying on the airbed at Sean Martin’s. Bleeding and starving, looking for a niche, nothing to carve in; Except my left arm which is already scarred. And I’m not them or a mirror, I’m the dog shit in the garden. Haters are so dumb and plus they don’t got to front for us. Especially me, about to jump in front of a bus. I bought a plot but I won’t tell you where I’m buried; Leave your debit card over my eyes so I can pay for the ferry...
My skin is changing, I’m becoming what’s inside of me. You guys should start a band that’s called The Four Girls That Lied To Me. You want me in looser jeans, more opinions, less assholes. Why you looking at my legs? That line’s from Wes Eisold. Goes from good to bad, from bad to fucking worse! She said she wouldn’t judge me then a gavel fell from her purse
My brain left me in PA, departed CC; Then begged me take it back crying in a bar in CT. Life is so strange, so is God with games; The one wrapped tightly around me like a dog with mange. Kick me in the stomach, I shit myself in the damn street; Left for dead, wanna be knocked out like that but can’t sleep...
I lay and lurk with kooks, pain hurts but suits. What if Ian Curtis were to climb down from the noose? That’s what I thought that dangled from my neck in amazement; Struggled, undo hanging myself in my own basement. Sometimes I think I should be more private, keep it secret; But the open book of my life, is it really worth reading? Cover to cover, there’s something pointing towards leaving. Don’t give a fuck what you think, when you finish I’m not breathing. You think the world of a girl and she becomes your world, And then you lose your grip regardless of what you curl. You clean yourself up you get laid more, great work, Columbo! Truth is she just fucked me cause my bro is D. Palumbo....
I can't believe this is happening to me again.
I think I can do it by myself, I just hope I'm right.
Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...
My skin is changing, I’m becoming what’s inside of me. You guys should start a band that’s called The Four Girls That Lied To Me. You want me in looser jeans, more opinions, less assholes. Why you looking at my legs? That line’s from Wes Eisold. Goes from good to bad, from bad to fucking worse! She said she wouldn’t judge me then a gavel fell from her purse
My brain left me in PA, departed CC; Then begged me take it back crying in a bar in CT. Life is so strange, so is God with games; The one wrapped tightly around me like a dog with mange. Kick me in the stomach, I shit myself in the damn street; Left for dead, wanna be knocked out like that but can’t sleep...
Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...
I lay and lurk with kooks, pain hurts but suits. What if Ian Curtis were to climb down from the noose? That’s what I thought that dangled from my neck in amazement; Struggled, undo hanging myself in my own basement. Sometimes I think I should be more private, keep it secret; But the open book of my life, is it really worth reading? Cover to cover, there’s something pointing towards leaving. Don’t give a fuck what you think, when you finish I’m not breathing. You think the world of a girl and she becomes your world, And then you lose your grip regardless of what you curl. You clean yourself up you get laid more, great work, Columbo! Truth is she just fucked me cause my bro is D. Palumbo....
Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...
I can't believe this is happening to me again.
I think I can do it by myself, I just hope I'm right.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
CAGE
Is an amazing artist. His lyrics are like...AHHHH. I like them because they make you think, its actually poetry, everyone will take it in different. It's unique, which is really hard to find these days. I have a lot on my mind right now, and I want to vent. Let us have a discussion, yeah?
So, yes, I've been single since about DECEMBER. But i wouldn't really consider that a good relationship or even one because my head was a mess. So, now the time comes where i explain the meaning of that sentence, right? WELL...
Point 1 1/2:
I've done a lot of thinking, A LOT. Not just recently, but for a while in my past experiences with shitty ass excuses for relationships. And i actually know what i want. I Want A Solid, Steady Relationship. Bottom line, no bullshit and fucking bitchassness. As weird as it sounds, I'm over playing the field, i don't want to do that shit anymore, i want something real.
Guys.....literally GUYS, the dicks with dicks. What the fuck is up with males? Half of them are fucking stupid ass assholes, and no I'm not just talking shit. Take a look around; you guys either knock some poor chick up and leave her ass, or you stay and don't do shit but weigh her down. You FUCK women, and fuck them whenever you please, and then never ask how their day was, or if they want to do something other than fuck you. Sure i mean, don't get me wrong "fucking" is great, but some people think it's okay because the hole that is in their soul needs to be filled with some sort of want and need., You NEED women to get that satisfaction, so therefore you want them, logical right? Too bad people just "fuck" and never make love anymore. So why does this effect me? See Point 2 1/2 below.
Point 2 1/2:
In case you didn't know, my father is dead. My father wasn't the best father, but you want to know something? I fucking loved him with all my heart, and sure maybe he'd burn me and not show up to pick me up all the time, and not do the most fatherly things to make his money, but that's what made him my dada. Right before he went to jail, he wrote me a letter, I never read it because I was mad at him. I was mad at him because he didn't come pick me up one day like he was supposed to. My dada didn't pick me up because he got arrested and was now in jail. After jail, my dada said hello to the hospital, then shortly said goodbye and then said hello to death. So now with that said, imagine how the fuck i feel, because the last letter my dada ever wrote to me I NEVER READ. The last time i saw my dada, wait lets rephrase that; the last time i EVER saw my dada alive, I was mad at him. Do you get it now? Even though most people don't get it, I loved him even though his actions seemed a bit fucked up. My dada honestly was, and still is my whole life. <-That right there,; is all the answers to the following questions.
I feel abandoned. I can't help it, i think i will always feel this way no matter what. I'm a walking sack of regret, and what if's. I'm fucked up, my head if fucked up, and my heart is a mess. When i love someone, i shoot them down. I'm the meanest girl to the most important people in my life, and i hate it. It's not my fault, it's the way I am. I pick fights when I'm in a relationship because i constantly need the reassurance that they need me, and really like me. It's my way of feeling safe. With my most important friends, i shoot them down and make them feel like shit. I do it because if they stay through everything, then they can easily survive another attack and keep reassuring me that they will put up with it and stick with me. I'm going insane because of this. I manipulate people because it gives me control, i need that control because i had no control of my time with my dad. I need to be reassured I'm cared about because i feel like people can walk out on me at any time.
Don't get me wrong, i know people CAN walk out on me at any time, but in my head i think the people who are really here for me and really do care for me WILL walk out on my at any moment. It's the way my head works. And i can't help it, i think I'm sick.
With all this bullshit now said, you pretty much know..mmmm lets say 15% of what goes on in my mind, daily. What goes on in my head, and who i am, are two completely different things. Sounds impossible, but its possible...I'm living proof. If i sat down and opened my mind and spilled my heart and soul raw onto someone elses lap, i honestly believe they will leave me in horror. I want to find someone who won't leave me, someone who actually wants to understand me and not over-stimulate me. That brings me back to POINT TWO; nobody knows anybody anymore. All together now;
Good, so what does that mean? It means people enjoy sex more than they enjoy the person whom they are having sex with. Why am i mention sex so much? Because that's all what relationships are about now! Don't even dare deny this. Maybe it's just the people in this town, but let me tell you; I am pretty much sure there is no such thing as a male hopeless romantic. Because people have changed so much that guys think it's fucking "queer" to do any sort of good deed for a lady.
Point 4 1/2:
I, myself, am a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love, and i believe that being "old fashion" is still the way to someones heart. Men in Mexico sing to their lovers to prove they really love them, and back in the day mafia men had tests to secretly put women through to see if they were keepers (like on A Bronks Tale; If she unlocked the door). What the hell happened? Now all I'm getting is people who don't even care what you like, or where you want to go, or don't even care if your seeing someone else, as long as they get laid i guess everyone should be fine. Stupid Fuckers.
I am a mess because of past relationships. My best relationship was also my worst relationship, and i finally let things go. I am finally at peace with all the boys and girls who have fucked my over in the past, I've coped with it and now I'm ready to start over.
Have you ever seen Girl Interrupted? Okay, so the girl played by Winona Rider is put in the loony bin for using sex as a way to feel wanted. I don't know the whole medical/physiology nonsense behind it but now doesn't that sound like someone you recently read about? Minus the bin, Hmm?
Point 5 1/2
I need someone with patience, because as you now know, I am a complicated girl who needs some fixing up. I really hate tooting my own horn, but when I'm at my best; I'm really fucking amazing. I have people telling me that I'm such a wonderful person, and I'm a big deal.
Really?......Really? I am?
I AM. And i just wish someone understanding and loving and want something real, and steady would come along. I believe its what I need in my life to be happy again. I'm not a super needy girl, i just feel like i have to do this to open peoples eyes about how they treat others and use them.
My heart is open, waiting for something amazing to come and sweep me off my feet.
POINT ONE:
So, yes, I've been single since about DECEMBER. But i wouldn't really consider that a good relationship or even one because my head was a mess. So, now the time comes where i explain the meaning of that sentence, right? WELL...
Point 1 1/2:
I've done a lot of thinking, A LOT. Not just recently, but for a while in my past experiences with shitty ass excuses for relationships. And i actually know what i want. I Want A Solid, Steady Relationship. Bottom line, no bullshit and fucking bitchassness. As weird as it sounds, I'm over playing the field, i don't want to do that shit anymore, i want something real.
POINT TWO:
Guys.....literally GUYS, the dicks with dicks. What the fuck is up with males? Half of them are fucking stupid ass assholes, and no I'm not just talking shit. Take a look around; you guys either knock some poor chick up and leave her ass, or you stay and don't do shit but weigh her down. You FUCK women, and fuck them whenever you please, and then never ask how their day was, or if they want to do something other than fuck you. Sure i mean, don't get me wrong "fucking" is great, but some people think it's okay because the hole that is in their soul needs to be filled with some sort of want and need., You NEED women to get that satisfaction, so therefore you want them, logical right? Too bad people just "fuck" and never make love anymore. So why does this effect me? See Point 2 1/2 below.
Point 2 1/2:
In case you didn't know, my father is dead. My father wasn't the best father, but you want to know something? I fucking loved him with all my heart, and sure maybe he'd burn me and not show up to pick me up all the time, and not do the most fatherly things to make his money, but that's what made him my dada. Right before he went to jail, he wrote me a letter, I never read it because I was mad at him. I was mad at him because he didn't come pick me up one day like he was supposed to. My dada didn't pick me up because he got arrested and was now in jail. After jail, my dada said hello to the hospital, then shortly said goodbye and then said hello to death. So now with that said, imagine how the fuck i feel, because the last letter my dada ever wrote to me I NEVER READ. The last time i saw my dada, wait lets rephrase that; the last time i EVER saw my dada alive, I was mad at him. Do you get it now? Even though most people don't get it, I loved him even though his actions seemed a bit fucked up. My dada honestly was, and still is my whole life. <-That right there,; is all the answers to the following questions.
-Why do you let him/her treat you like shit?
-Why do you settle for that?
-Why are you such a bitch?
-Why don't you trust me?
-Why do you have to be a mean girl?
-Why can't you be dependable?
-Why do you freak out so much?
-Why do you do this to yourself?
-Why are you such a pessimist?
POINT THREE:
I feel abandoned. I can't help it, i think i will always feel this way no matter what. I'm a walking sack of regret, and what if's. I'm fucked up, my head if fucked up, and my heart is a mess. When i love someone, i shoot them down. I'm the meanest girl to the most important people in my life, and i hate it. It's not my fault, it's the way I am. I pick fights when I'm in a relationship because i constantly need the reassurance that they need me, and really like me. It's my way of feeling safe. With my most important friends, i shoot them down and make them feel like shit. I do it because if they stay through everything, then they can easily survive another attack and keep reassuring me that they will put up with it and stick with me. I'm going insane because of this. I manipulate people because it gives me control, i need that control because i had no control of my time with my dad. I need to be reassured I'm cared about because i feel like people can walk out on me at any time.
Don't get me wrong, i know people CAN walk out on me at any time, but in my head i think the people who are really here for me and really do care for me WILL walk out on my at any moment. It's the way my head works. And i can't help it, i think I'm sick.
POINT FOUR:
With all this bullshit now said, you pretty much know..mmmm lets say 15% of what goes on in my mind, daily. What goes on in my head, and who i am, are two completely different things. Sounds impossible, but its possible...I'm living proof. If i sat down and opened my mind and spilled my heart and soul raw onto someone elses lap, i honestly believe they will leave me in horror. I want to find someone who won't leave me, someone who actually wants to understand me and not over-stimulate me. That brings me back to POINT TWO; nobody knows anybody anymore. All together now;
NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY ANYMORE.
Good, so what does that mean? It means people enjoy sex more than they enjoy the person whom they are having sex with. Why am i mention sex so much? Because that's all what relationships are about now! Don't even dare deny this. Maybe it's just the people in this town, but let me tell you; I am pretty much sure there is no such thing as a male hopeless romantic. Because people have changed so much that guys think it's fucking "queer" to do any sort of good deed for a lady.
Point 4 1/2:
I, myself, am a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love, and i believe that being "old fashion" is still the way to someones heart. Men in Mexico sing to their lovers to prove they really love them, and back in the day mafia men had tests to secretly put women through to see if they were keepers (like on A Bronks Tale; If she unlocked the door). What the hell happened? Now all I'm getting is people who don't even care what you like, or where you want to go, or don't even care if your seeing someone else, as long as they get laid i guess everyone should be fine. Stupid Fuckers.
POINT 5:
I am a mess because of past relationships. My best relationship was also my worst relationship, and i finally let things go. I am finally at peace with all the boys and girls who have fucked my over in the past, I've coped with it and now I'm ready to start over.
Have you ever seen Girl Interrupted? Okay, so the girl played by Winona Rider is put in the loony bin for using sex as a way to feel wanted. I don't know the whole medical/physiology nonsense behind it but now doesn't that sound like someone you recently read about? Minus the bin, Hmm?
Point 5 1/2
I need someone with patience, because as you now know, I am a complicated girl who needs some fixing up. I really hate tooting my own horn, but when I'm at my best; I'm really fucking amazing. I have people telling me that I'm such a wonderful person, and I'm a big deal.
Really?......Really? I am?
I AM. And i just wish someone understanding and loving and want something real, and steady would come along. I believe its what I need in my life to be happy again. I'm not a super needy girl, i just feel like i have to do this to open peoples eyes about how they treat others and use them.
THE CLOSING POINT:
My heart is open, waiting for something amazing to come and sweep me off my feet.
Thank You For Your Time.
The end.
Fin.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
It's Not My Fault.
I HATE it when I get into these moods. Like out of no where I'll go from being happy and fine, to just feeling blah and fuck you. People ask me why and the only thing I can reply back with it "I don't know" and with that said, people then jump to conclusions that I just don't feel like telling them, or don't want to open up. Negative. I have nothing wrong with providing answers to the questions people ask, It's just that I really honestly don't know why I go through this. It sucks, and it makes me feel even worse now, because how stupid does that sound?
Oh yeah, I'm sure people will just loove that. It's bothering me not only because I can't give a logical answer to the question "What's wrong" but also because they usually don't believe me when I say I don't know. The only part I don't get, is why that happens. I'm fine, like really. I'm happy with everything right now. There's nothing that should be causing this sudden mood change every now and then, so that's why I just don't understand this.
See I think I think too much, and I pretty much prove myself right when I lay awake in bed at night for hours just thinking and thinking. Now, my thinking isn't always bad, but it always isn't good either. I just over think things sometimes, and......
And I don't know where I'm going with this.
Good Night.
"Hi, I'm Shianne and uhh....I just can't seem to control my feelings."
Oh yeah, I'm sure people will just loove that. It's bothering me not only because I can't give a logical answer to the question "What's wrong" but also because they usually don't believe me when I say I don't know. The only part I don't get, is why that happens. I'm fine, like really. I'm happy with everything right now. There's nothing that should be causing this sudden mood change every now and then, so that's why I just don't understand this.
See I think I think too much, and I pretty much prove myself right when I lay awake in bed at night for hours just thinking and thinking. Now, my thinking isn't always bad, but it always isn't good either. I just over think things sometimes, and......
And I don't know where I'm going with this.
Good Night.
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