A couple; Drinks later?

Purple rain clouds, fog up my heart;
It's in the dark, I can't tell us apart.
Fucked up messages reply faster than you do;
I can't hold this against you.
You sit and wallow about how hard life is;
you wonder who your wife is.
Come home sit down and think the night away.
This dark shade of gray; it brightens your day.
Hoping for a mistake to take your breath away;
looking away, that was my dismay.
I hold you close; I honestly do,
but right now the best thing is
for me to up and leave you.
Hold you; Is all I want to do.
I'm scared that you'll fuck me over,
like i always do; With,
Old habits, make newspaper headlines;
crime lines on how I feel.
I'm hoping now; this is the real deal.
Yeah you feel it? It Beating in my chest;
striving to be different from the rest.
Holding on to you, wondering;
If you could be the best.
Even though i deserve less..than perfect, it's true.
Hold it against me, but I can be and will be;
Something different for Y O U.

Punching walls is great relief.

Test Subject 1

You know, if i were to sit here and tell you I'm better; I'd be a liar. I understand you care about me, but this is something that is honestly not in my control. I don't know if you think that I'm slipping under again or what but if you were to ask me I'd probably break down again because I wouldn't know what to tell you. I want to be something so much better for you, I really do. I can see the worry in your eyes and I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me because in the sense of I know in order for me to be this messed up, you have to be somewhat too.
People Don't get me. I was recently told "I know who you are, i know what your about, I've heard about you", what the hell does that mean? Like I know I've heard that line before in movies and what not but never to my face. I'm not stuck in my "own little world" but I don't my daily feed off of what other people say. I am me, but I won;t present myself as Me to you. It's more of a mild version, and then if your lucky as we grow I'll introduce you to who I am. Only a few have gotten to meet her.
My head is pounding, I seriously want to cry. Like a part of me loves whats going on because I'm FINALLY losing weight but I notice what a toll it's taking on me; I'm tired more, depressed, bitchy, and in pain. I can't eat! And I love to eat! but my body is rejecting the substance I need because of the substance I love. Even though it's been like a week, I became very sickly after everything. Go ahead, ask me if I'm going to stop; I'll smile and say no, it's not hurting me.
It's really not, I mean if anything it's helping me, as fucked up as that sounds. It helps me channel out my demons in my head and without them my arms hurt less.
The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm getting stonger as the days go by; Please keep that in mind. I'll be fine.

You Know What?

Mick Donalds ruffles chip dip is the shit,
We drank drank a red bull
and we're not tired one bit,
HOMIE RELAX! It's just myspace,
so get outta here before i get in yo face!
Na nah naaaa,
just kidding there hoe, but you see,
if you don't fuck me then you gots to go!
Hold up wait a minute i'm not done yet,
how about lets go win the lottery,
and buy us a pet.
Word.

[:

Never been held in any one’s arms.

When you’ve never been moved, it’s really hard to move on. A young saleswoman sets up shop on the sunset, She’ll make your wildest dreams come true at a price you won’t forget; But sadly Mary’d setup alibis, no harm no regret. Hoping they’d meet an angel in bed that could wrestle the devil right out of their heads. The city burns fast, no one has time to sit with themselves; Time to look into our pain or see the same despair in everyone else. It’s here, it’s there, it’s everywhere – tears soak each card the dealer’s dealt. Time taught me how to see every second as heaven even though they’re perfectly disguised as hell; And I refuse to let past bruises cover the light. It ain’t all good, but it’s all good enough, so I know I’m alright. Agony is truth, it’s our connection to the living; And I accept it as perfection and keep on existing in the...

Now, I can only build if I tear the walls down. Even if it breaks me I won’t let it make me frown; I’m falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground, I’ll still smile. I can only build if I tear the walls down; Even if it breaks me I won’t let it make me frown. I’m falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground; I’ll still smile.

When I hear it, I'm in my own world; Goodbye.

Love Song

Come into your own
Play your mental rebirth
She starts penning some better poems
Straighten up her bank account
Likes to take herself out
I'm getting better at it
I've had a few relationships
But still too young and dumb enough to call it quits
It's still a love song

Love
All I ever want is you
All I ever had, leading in my life was you
All that ever was, all I ever had

Maybe it's easier to talk about this shit in third person
Learning better
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Like I'm Eddie Murphy
Curse me to repeat the same cycle
I'm breaking
No longer think relations make a better woman
Just for life, I'm pursuing
Growing, but hopelessly romantic still
Tasted weather in the bitter climates
Love the sunshine better
Dreaming of dream proposals
Decent moral values placing higher on my chart
Trying not to have a shallow heart
But battle scars are deep and reaching to the depth of hell and back
Try to give up the grudges
Think it's experience and move
From the clutches of sadness
It's difficult
Sometimes I wish I wasn't an adult
Adolescent primetime sitcom star
I've been too far and too much,
Too hard, for too long
It's still a love song.

Ahh music is great.

Life Rant

You know it's kind of weird to realize your sister, who in your head is about 3, but in reality you see shes really going into middle school. Holy Fuck, now here comes my thinking wave; I have to be a role model now. FML; Is it really that time? I mean shes old enough to understand that every time I got outside, I smoke weed. Shes old enough to understand that I'm stoned because my eyes are low, For fucks sake she watches Youtube now! What the fuck happened to playing games on the Disney website? Or printing out coloring sheets from Nick Jr.???
Really? This makes me feel old. Like grown up almost, I feel like I have to mature now because shes catching up to my immaturity. Like last night I'm playing her in Mario Kart..and shes actually good! What happened to the good ol' days where I used to play with her for an easy win, a boost of confidence? Now shes good?!
What I'm trying to get at right now is; Do I think more about what I'm doing, when I'm doing it? Like I have to actually watch what I'm doing now because who's to say shes now going to want to, right? But I'm just stuck on is it really that point now? Like what the fuck Shianne, last year of high school, 18 in 5 months; Like is that supposed to mean more to me? Am I supposed to do more? You know what FUCK IT, I'm going to think it over...over some smoke.
People all have a gleam in their eye; It's their youth and childhood. Whats funny to me though, is when people "Grow Up" they loose the most important part of themselves, the part who taught them everything they know, the part of them who taught you how to think, how to figure shit out, how to deal with things. You worked so hard to get yourself to that point, and then when you "Grow Up" you throw it away. I'm not dimming my gleam, it's going to stay there forever. Yeah, your probably thinking "Oh god Shianne just grow up, that's going to get you no where." What to know something? FUCK YOU, it's going to get me EVERYWHERE, and I fucking mean everywhere. Just because I'm keeping my gleam doesn't mean shit, I've had enough things happen to me where I was forced to grow up a loong time ago; so it's not even that. I'm so complex it should be illegal. But I know exactly what I'm going to be doing for the next 5 years to get me where I want to be, with my partner I have HUGE plans with [Infinity]. So fuck you and all your opinions towards me because I'm sure..no scratch that; I'm POSITIVE in the end I'll have more accomplishments than you. So the next time my name is in your mouth; Do me a favor and choke on it.

Fuck reality I never want to grow up.

I guess at the start of this I was a little confused about how to take it all, but now I realized I had the answer the whole time. I'm exactly where I need to be in life, and it could never feel better.

Have You Ever Been To Heaven At Night?

Man Oh, I Need What The World Can't Give Me.