icantsleep. IcantSleep. ICANTSLEEP. I C A N T S L E E P and I dont have to wonder why. Why? Oh. Oh, thats why.

There's an ocean by my window...

This whole little act you pull around your friends....not cute.

.

Shiiiiiiiiit

Windy

When the wind blows, its like it shouts your name; Only you never hear it, Don't worry I do the same, So caught up in the problems around you; waking up to realize, all they wanted was to doubt you, To think of the deep purple nights, when the wind would surround you; You probably looked up and wish the stars could help you, But wishing on a star couldn't get you very far, because you know that the places you wish to go make it there by car; So you sit and reminisce over some little scar, talking about how it left an even bigger hole in your heart.
You can't say your living when you always feel like your dead; You can't say your dead, when you always preach about keeping your head; Weeping over something that was only once said, Will never be spoken again, only read.
When the wind blows, its like it shouts your name; Only you never hear it, your too busy trying to run away from the claim.

yOU.

Should calm your shit and spare the wits.

Catalyst

My Impetus,
My Impulses,
My Motives,
Their everything you know.
Their everything you pray wouldn't happen.

You place me on a pedestal and except me to dance,
Become an over achiever,
With the thoughts of me being the epitome of this thing
you hope would never exist.

I feel like a hermit now, thanks for the help.
If you'd only listen,
You'd see this isn't the cry out you think it is.
But of course it is,
Because everyone is just so much better, right?
What happened, what went wrong?
To become so cynic, your motives must be so grand.

To think,
Out of all this I just wanted to see the palm of your hand.

Let me open your mind and eyes. Let me open your heart to lies.

Liars

Aren't we all? I usually don't put people in the spotlight, or "on blast" if you please, unless it's because they piss me off or do something bad. Well, I've learned that this is a very sour trait I have on my ever growing list of things I do that piss people off. But want to know a secret? Whenever people ask me "What's Wrong"; I ALWAYS LIE. Even if I do tell you, trust me, it's never everything. I have a hard time trusting people when I have no walls built around me.

Lets get to business;

"I honestly have no fucking clue, what i would do without her."
"Honestly Shianne, i have no fucking clue what I'd do without you in my life"
"You were the best thing that happened to me that year."
"i never want to lose you"
"because your're you! Your're Shianne Nichole Rivera, Dream girl"
"...Your are extremely sweet and insanely beautiful and you should be proud to be Shianne Rivera because I know there are hoards of people out there who love you just as much as I do. i'm forever grateful for meeting such a gorgeous person in both physical beauty and inner beauty. Thank you for everything"

You are all sneaky little liars. At that moment you've filled me with such joy, and ask me how I am now? Oh I'll lie and say I'm fine, but know I wish every day that you'd live up to what you said or actually mean it because honestly, all of the above makes me laugh, I sure don't feel like nothing special.
:/

TruE Story:

"I have this feeling.
This feeling I have,
It won't go away,
It won't.
G O A W A Y .
It won't go,
A W A Y ."

There's Nothing Y O U or Eye

Could do for me.

In search of a less flammable pair of pants,
I'm trying to hold on to you,
But the feelings won't last,
Life's short I want to have fun,
With all the hits that make my words feel just like a gun,
For this reason I'm quick on my feet,
A heartless BITCH
That'll sell your soul to maintain being Elite,
Don't worry this heart comes with a beat;
So be ready for this punch line of self defeat;
I know your sick of these run around lies,
But baby the truth is; I'm best liar in disguise.

-Sick! 6672477

I would love

To STAY like THIS forEvEr.

I could be your best bet; Let alone your worst Ex.

I honestly don't think you'll remember writing these, or even what they were for/about; but I found them today, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I read them, and of course, cried. It reminds me how much you care(d), and how much I still do. It's pathetic, trust me I know; I tell myself every time I say this, but every day I wish that things would just go back to being as wonderful as they were the first time around. But then I remember, it's just me wishing.

"I know the past month we haven't seen eachother.
or really talked.
but that month still counts.
cuz i know that my love for you was there.
and i hope yours was there too.
but whatever it still counts.
well i just wanted to say Happy Anniversary.
and that I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH and i hope i never lose you.
cuz you wont lose me until i die.
if you want me for how ever long that is.
I LOVE YOU!"

"well i say that cuz you never do shit! you say you want to get back with me and you want to still be friends. well i don't see you trying. so i know you haven't changed.
cuz if you want me soooo bad you would have the balls to come up to me and talk to me and don't say it's cuz i'm always with someone. so, your always with someone and i still talked to you. but i saw that you weren't really trying so i wasn't anymore.
and don't assume shit all the time! FUCK!!!
And yea i did give you a second chance.
i gave you a third and forth one too, but you fucked up. so what am i suppose to think?? I'm fixing your mistakes cuz you aren't, I at least want to fix us. But since your not trying i guess i wont either. Tell me, if i did what you did to me would you want to get back with me? All the shit you told me, all the pain you brought me. Would you want to get with me? I'm not saying i'll never get back with you. I'm saying i want to be friends first..and see if you've changed like you say you have, cuz i'm not really sure if you have. I think you can do better cuz of how you treated me, so it seems you can. And how do i know your not just lying to me like before. And i'm sorry i haven't been caring about what people have been telling me about you. It's cuz there's enough drama in my life, that i don't really wanna have any with you. So i'm sorry. And the thing that i don't understand is if your SO FUCKING SORRY, then why am i the one always saying sorry?"

So I guess so many years later would lessen the meaning of the words I say? I beg to differ; I honestly am so sorry. I have a lot to tell you, just give me the time. I understand the roles have switched this year, and I fully respect that; But if it's the final chapter, I at least want to go out with a bang. Try to hear me out when I speak important words this time, please.

It's nothing new

I hate not knowing what I'm doing. So that's why I'm doing nothing. I feel safer knowing that the idea is there, but once it gets brought up; that's when I get scared. I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to chose, I can't figure this out;

Pluse - E + where - W - last E + mine + us + you = ?

This awkward silence creates havoc, reach into my heart and pull out this ice pick. Blah blah blah, the poetic bull shit gets old once you've lost your heart and soul. Once I find it...You'll be the first to know.

Bee cous

It let's me know. Every thing is so much better when you feel like this. It's in my veins, it's on my brain; it's my new main, it keeps me. . . I'll just stop right there.

This Queen Eats Hearts In HalfwayLand.

I would've thought you'd step up.
You know, to be the "bigger" man.
Or at least you were that in my head, because you'd always have fucking the nerve to hold my hand. You can say I was just a tad bit aggressive, But somewhat a tease? Oh Really? You should stop being possessive. Forget this? Regret this? Never, I'm too reckless. Keep me going on, going strong; add me to that check list. Can't keep what I said because that soft spot in your heart that I seemed to have stole; Will never lose it's power, trust me; it's fucking gold.

This queen eats hearts in HalfwayLand; and because of that, you won't think of holding my hand. I stay fearless and fear full all at the same time; I'm never really cocky, so I hope you don't mind. But I'll say this over and over again; Please baby, don't call me "mine." The queen who eats hearts rips them and swallows them whole, all because she once had had hers fucking stole. It wasn't that bad because now I can eat you whole. A bitch from the turn, Half suicide reject never live and L E A R N. Keeps this heart beating; away from the name she wears best. Piss her off she gets pissed, let her rip and she'll rip this. Tear shit up, her soul has turned to rust. Just when you think you got her in slow and steady, you realize she's too good, she already has too many. Who the fuck are you kidding? Just call her The Queen of Hearts already.

It haunts me.
Because I pulled too much string out
And now I can't tie them.
I ran back and forth, but it's no use, their not dying. I'll be scared to cut everything off, only because I'd have to start new, and that's completely my loss. I don't know how to take it, without being pissed off. I know, You know, We know this will work; but time has caught up to me and guess what?, it hurts. It's a constant reminder that for the second time around; This shit is still the same, just different assholes gathered 'round. You can call me a veteran, because I've played these games for so long. You laugh only because you know I can go strong; Fuck this and you because I talk shit, rude? Bitch I invented the games Y O U use when you fake it; now ain't that crude. I get side tracked quick, I guess thats a plus; Like how when you say Our Future Plans Are A Must. That makes me smile when I think about it but I can't seem to hurry; my vision in this loose string can get kind of blurry.

Please just know this is not a stop sign, the very thought of it blows my mind. I just have some curiosities, philosophies, and thoughts of polygamy.

-Fin.

It slike

Want to know what it's like?

It's like when you see her you change to be a better person. It's like when you forget a new persons name. It's like when you try not to get mad. It's like when you don't tell people your sad. It's like when you find words to describe how you feel, when they hold you. It's like when you laugh because your nervous.It's like when you cry over silly things. It's like when you can't speak because your weak at the knees.It's like when you drink until you can't walk. It's like when you get so stoned, you can't talk. It's like when you roll to hard on XTC and grind your teeth down. It's like when you dream about getting the fuck out of this town. It's like when you feel like you just can't take it. It's like when you try your whole life, knowing you might not make it. It's like when you know; It Can't rain All The Time.

It's like when you try to find simple amazing feelings, that everyone has felt; to use in a blog to compare it to how you feel now that you know where your life is going.

I'm totally ready for whatever comes my way, you just might want to keep your eyes on me to satisfy your guilty pleasure; thank you.

A couple; Drinks later?

Purple rain clouds, fog up my heart;
It's in the dark, I can't tell us apart.
Fucked up messages reply faster than you do;
I can't hold this against you.
You sit and wallow about how hard life is;
you wonder who your wife is.
Come home sit down and think the night away.
This dark shade of gray; it brightens your day.
Hoping for a mistake to take your breath away;
looking away, that was my dismay.
I hold you close; I honestly do,
but right now the best thing is
for me to up and leave you.
Hold you; Is all I want to do.
I'm scared that you'll fuck me over,
like i always do; With,
Old habits, make newspaper headlines;
crime lines on how I feel.
I'm hoping now; this is the real deal.
Yeah you feel it? It Beating in my chest;
striving to be different from the rest.
Holding on to you, wondering;
If you could be the best.
Even though i deserve less..than perfect, it's true.
Hold it against me, but I can be and will be;
Something different for Y O U.

Punching walls is great relief.

Test Subject 1

You know, if i were to sit here and tell you I'm better; I'd be a liar. I understand you care about me, but this is something that is honestly not in my control. I don't know if you think that I'm slipping under again or what but if you were to ask me I'd probably break down again because I wouldn't know what to tell you. I want to be something so much better for you, I really do. I can see the worry in your eyes and I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me because in the sense of I know in order for me to be this messed up, you have to be somewhat too.
People Don't get me. I was recently told "I know who you are, i know what your about, I've heard about you", what the hell does that mean? Like I know I've heard that line before in movies and what not but never to my face. I'm not stuck in my "own little world" but I don't my daily feed off of what other people say. I am me, but I won;t present myself as Me to you. It's more of a mild version, and then if your lucky as we grow I'll introduce you to who I am. Only a few have gotten to meet her.
My head is pounding, I seriously want to cry. Like a part of me loves whats going on because I'm FINALLY losing weight but I notice what a toll it's taking on me; I'm tired more, depressed, bitchy, and in pain. I can't eat! And I love to eat! but my body is rejecting the substance I need because of the substance I love. Even though it's been like a week, I became very sickly after everything. Go ahead, ask me if I'm going to stop; I'll smile and say no, it's not hurting me.
It's really not, I mean if anything it's helping me, as fucked up as that sounds. It helps me channel out my demons in my head and without them my arms hurt less.
The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm getting stonger as the days go by; Please keep that in mind. I'll be fine.

You Know What?

Mick Donalds ruffles chip dip is the shit,
We drank drank a red bull
and we're not tired one bit,
HOMIE RELAX! It's just myspace,
so get outta here before i get in yo face!
Na nah naaaa,
just kidding there hoe, but you see,
if you don't fuck me then you gots to go!
Hold up wait a minute i'm not done yet,
how about lets go win the lottery,
and buy us a pet.
Word.

[:

Never been held in any one’s arms.

When you’ve never been moved, it’s really hard to move on. A young saleswoman sets up shop on the sunset, She’ll make your wildest dreams come true at a price you won’t forget; But sadly Mary’d setup alibis, no harm no regret. Hoping they’d meet an angel in bed that could wrestle the devil right out of their heads. The city burns fast, no one has time to sit with themselves; Time to look into our pain or see the same despair in everyone else. It’s here, it’s there, it’s everywhere – tears soak each card the dealer’s dealt. Time taught me how to see every second as heaven even though they’re perfectly disguised as hell; And I refuse to let past bruises cover the light. It ain’t all good, but it’s all good enough, so I know I’m alright. Agony is truth, it’s our connection to the living; And I accept it as perfection and keep on existing in the...

Now, I can only build if I tear the walls down. Even if it breaks me I won’t let it make me frown; I’m falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground, I’ll still smile. I can only build if I tear the walls down; Even if it breaks me I won’t let it make me frown. I’m falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground; I’ll still smile.

When I hear it, I'm in my own world; Goodbye.

Love Song

Come into your own
Play your mental rebirth
She starts penning some better poems
Straighten up her bank account
Likes to take herself out
I'm getting better at it
I've had a few relationships
But still too young and dumb enough to call it quits
It's still a love song

Love
All I ever want is you
All I ever had, leading in my life was you
All that ever was, all I ever had

Maybe it's easier to talk about this shit in third person
Learning better
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Like I'm Eddie Murphy
Curse me to repeat the same cycle
I'm breaking
No longer think relations make a better woman
Just for life, I'm pursuing
Growing, but hopelessly romantic still
Tasted weather in the bitter climates
Love the sunshine better
Dreaming of dream proposals
Decent moral values placing higher on my chart
Trying not to have a shallow heart
But battle scars are deep and reaching to the depth of hell and back
Try to give up the grudges
Think it's experience and move
From the clutches of sadness
It's difficult
Sometimes I wish I wasn't an adult
Adolescent primetime sitcom star
I've been too far and too much,
Too hard, for too long
It's still a love song.

Ahh music is great.

Life Rant

You know it's kind of weird to realize your sister, who in your head is about 3, but in reality you see shes really going into middle school. Holy Fuck, now here comes my thinking wave; I have to be a role model now. FML; Is it really that time? I mean shes old enough to understand that every time I got outside, I smoke weed. Shes old enough to understand that I'm stoned because my eyes are low, For fucks sake she watches Youtube now! What the fuck happened to playing games on the Disney website? Or printing out coloring sheets from Nick Jr.???
Really? This makes me feel old. Like grown up almost, I feel like I have to mature now because shes catching up to my immaturity. Like last night I'm playing her in Mario Kart..and shes actually good! What happened to the good ol' days where I used to play with her for an easy win, a boost of confidence? Now shes good?!
What I'm trying to get at right now is; Do I think more about what I'm doing, when I'm doing it? Like I have to actually watch what I'm doing now because who's to say shes now going to want to, right? But I'm just stuck on is it really that point now? Like what the fuck Shianne, last year of high school, 18 in 5 months; Like is that supposed to mean more to me? Am I supposed to do more? You know what FUCK IT, I'm going to think it over...over some smoke.
People all have a gleam in their eye; It's their youth and childhood. Whats funny to me though, is when people "Grow Up" they loose the most important part of themselves, the part who taught them everything they know, the part of them who taught you how to think, how to figure shit out, how to deal with things. You worked so hard to get yourself to that point, and then when you "Grow Up" you throw it away. I'm not dimming my gleam, it's going to stay there forever. Yeah, your probably thinking "Oh god Shianne just grow up, that's going to get you no where." What to know something? FUCK YOU, it's going to get me EVERYWHERE, and I fucking mean everywhere. Just because I'm keeping my gleam doesn't mean shit, I've had enough things happen to me where I was forced to grow up a loong time ago; so it's not even that. I'm so complex it should be illegal. But I know exactly what I'm going to be doing for the next 5 years to get me where I want to be, with my partner I have HUGE plans with [Infinity]. So fuck you and all your opinions towards me because I'm sure..no scratch that; I'm POSITIVE in the end I'll have more accomplishments than you. So the next time my name is in your mouth; Do me a favor and choke on it.

Fuck reality I never want to grow up.

I guess at the start of this I was a little confused about how to take it all, but now I realized I had the answer the whole time. I'm exactly where I need to be in life, and it could never feel better.

Have You Ever Been To Heaven At Night?

Man Oh, I Need What The World Can't Give Me.

Prepare to suck the cock of karma

I’m not afraid to fail,

Got time but I hate the smell. Let’s stop to sniff the rose’s thorn, send me straight to hell. Been on this raft for weeks, no sign of help or a beach. I lose sight of the bigger part, And I’m really laying on the airbed at Sean Martin’s. Bleeding and starving, looking for a niche, nothing to carve in; Except my left arm which is already scarred. And I’m not them or a mirror, I’m the dog shit in the garden. Haters are so dumb and plus they don’t got to front for us. Especially me, about to jump in front of a bus. I bought a plot but I won’t tell you where I’m buried; Leave your debit card over my eyes so I can pay for the ferry...

Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...

My skin is changing, I’m becoming what’s inside of me. You guys should start a band that’s called The Four Girls That Lied To Me. You want me in looser jeans, more opinions, less assholes. Why you looking at my legs? That line’s from Wes Eisold. Goes from good to bad, from bad to fucking worse! She said she wouldn’t judge me then a gavel fell from her purse
My brain left me in PA, departed CC; Then begged me take it back crying in a bar in CT. Life is so strange, so is God with games; The one wrapped tightly around me like a dog with mange. Kick me in the stomach, I shit myself in the damn street; Left for dead, wanna be knocked out like that but can’t sleep...

Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...

I lay and lurk with kooks, pain hurts but suits. What if Ian Curtis were to climb down from the noose? That’s what I thought that dangled from my neck in amazement; Struggled, undo hanging myself in my own basement. Sometimes I think I should be more private, keep it secret; But the open book of my life, is it really worth reading? Cover to cover, there’s something pointing towards leaving. Don’t give a fuck what you think, when you finish I’m not breathing. You think the world of a girl and she becomes your world, And then you lose your grip regardless of what you curl. You clean yourself up you get laid more, great work, Columbo! Truth is she just fucked me cause my bro is D. Palumbo....

Every morning I just lay in bed
Cause I don’t wanna wake up
Pick my stupid face up, give my shit away
You’ll take it from me anyway even if I go away
I will never go away...

I can't believe this is happening to me again.
I think I can do it by myself, I just hope I'm right.

Im blogging because Kiah and Mattttttt are "Tweeting" HOMOS!!!

:] thats all....just, :]

Really? You give the guilt trip then you pull that shit? Classic, just like all your lies you feed HER. Karma is a bitch,watch.

CAGE

Is an amazing artist. His lyrics are like...AHHHH. I like them because they make you think, its actually poetry, everyone will take it in different. It's unique, which is really hard to find these days. I have a lot on my mind right now, and I want to vent. Let us have a discussion, yeah?

POINT ONE:

So, yes, I've been single since about DECEMBER. But i wouldn't really consider that a good relationship or even one because my head was a mess. So, now the time comes where i explain the meaning of that sentence, right? WELL...

Point 1 1/2:
I've done a lot of thinking, A LOT. Not just recently, but for a while in my past experiences with shitty ass excuses for relationships. And i actually know what i want. I Want A Solid, Steady Relationship. Bottom line, no bullshit and fucking bitchassness. As weird as it sounds, I'm over playing the field, i don't want to do that shit anymore, i want something real.

POINT TWO:

Guys.....literally GUYS, the dicks with dicks. What the fuck is up with males? Half of them are fucking stupid ass assholes, and no I'm not just talking shit. Take a look around; you guys either knock some poor chick up and leave her ass, or you stay and don't do shit but weigh her down. You FUCK women, and fuck them whenever you please, and then never ask how their day was, or if they want to do something other than fuck you. Sure i mean, don't get me wrong "fucking" is great, but some people think it's okay because the hole that is in their soul needs to be filled with some sort of want and need., You NEED women to get that satisfaction, so therefore you want them, logical right? Too bad people just "fuck" and never make love anymore. So why does this effect me? See Point 2 1/2 below.

Point 2 1/2:
In case you didn't know, my father is dead. My father wasn't the best father, but you want to know something? I fucking loved him with all my heart, and sure maybe he'd burn me and not show up to pick me up all the time, and not do the most fatherly things to make his money, but that's what made him my dada. Right before he went to jail, he wrote me a letter, I never read it because I was mad at him. I was mad at him because he didn't come pick me up one day like he was supposed to. My dada didn't pick me up because he got arrested and was now in jail. After jail, my dada said hello to the hospital, then shortly said goodbye and then said hello to death. So now with that said, imagine how the fuck i feel, because the last letter my dada ever wrote to me I NEVER READ. The last time i saw my dada, wait lets rephrase that; the last time i EVER saw my dada alive, I was mad at him. Do you get it now? Even though most people don't get it, I loved him even though his actions seemed a bit fucked up. My dada honestly was, and still is my whole life. <-That right there,; is all the answers to the following questions.

-Why do you let him/her treat you like shit?
-Why do you settle for that?
-Why are you such a bitch?
-Why don't you trust me?
-Why do you have to be a mean girl?
-Why can't you be dependable?
-Why do you freak out so much?
-Why do you do this to yourself?
-Why are you such a pessimist?

POINT THREE:

I feel abandoned. I can't help it, i think i will always feel this way no matter what. I'm a walking sack of regret, and what if's. I'm fucked up, my head if fucked up, and my heart is a mess. When i love someone, i shoot them down. I'm the meanest girl to the most important people in my life, and i hate it. It's not my fault, it's the way I am. I pick fights when I'm in a relationship because i constantly need the reassurance that they need me, and really like me. It's my way of feeling safe. With my most important friends, i shoot them down and make them feel like shit. I do it because if they stay through everything, then they can easily survive another attack and keep reassuring me that they will put up with it and stick with me. I'm going insane because of this. I manipulate people because it gives me control, i need that control because i had no control of my time with my dad. I need to be reassured I'm cared about because i feel like people can walk out on me at any time.
Don't get me wrong, i know people CAN walk out on me at any time, but in my head i think the people who are really here for me and really do care for me WILL walk out on my at any moment. It's the way my head works. And i can't help it, i think I'm sick.

POINT FOUR:

With all this bullshit now said, you pretty much know..mmmm lets say 15% of what goes on in my mind, daily. What goes on in my head, and who i am, are two completely different things. Sounds impossible, but its possible...I'm living proof. If i sat down and opened my mind and spilled my heart and soul raw onto someone elses lap, i honestly believe they will leave me in horror. I want to find someone who won't leave me, someone who actually wants to understand me and not over-stimulate me. That brings me back to POINT TWO; nobody knows anybody anymore. All together now;

NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY ANYMORE.

Good, so what does that mean? It means people enjoy sex more than they enjoy the person whom they are having sex with. Why am i mention sex so much? Because that's all what relationships are about now! Don't even dare deny this. Maybe it's just the people in this town, but let me tell you; I am pretty much sure there is no such thing as a male hopeless romantic. Because people have changed so much that guys think it's fucking "queer" to do any sort of good deed for a lady.

Point 4 1/2:

I, myself, am a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love, and i believe that being "old fashion" is still the way to someones heart. Men in Mexico sing to their lovers to prove they really love them, and back in the day mafia men had tests to secretly put women through to see if they were keepers (like on A Bronks Tale; If she unlocked the door). What the hell happened? Now all I'm getting is people who don't even care what you like, or where you want to go, or don't even care if your seeing someone else, as long as they get laid i guess everyone should be fine. Stupid Fuckers.

POINT 5:

I am a mess because of past relationships. My best relationship was also my worst relationship, and i finally let things go. I am finally at peace with all the boys and girls who have fucked my over in the past, I've coped with it and now I'm ready to start over.
Have you ever seen Girl Interrupted? Okay, so the girl played by Winona Rider is put in the loony bin for using sex as a way to feel wanted. I don't know the whole medical/physiology nonsense behind it but now doesn't that sound like someone you recently read about? Minus the bin, Hmm?

Point 5 1/2

I need someone with patience, because as you now know, I am a complicated girl who needs some fixing up. I really hate tooting my own horn, but when I'm at my best; I'm really fucking amazing. I have people telling me that I'm such a wonderful person, and I'm a big deal.
Really?......Really? I am?
I AM. And i just wish someone understanding and loving and want something real, and steady would come along. I believe its what I need in my life to be happy again. I'm not a super needy girl, i just feel like i have to do this to open peoples eyes about how they treat others and use them.

THE CLOSING POINT:

My heart is open, waiting for something amazing to come and sweep me off my feet.

Thank You For Your Time.
The end.
Fin.

Running sucks, it fucking sucks! Dear Running, plan on seeing me more often :p

I have no clue why, but I just got really excited that this is my last fucking year of High School. Thank god.

This town really wears me down, no syke.

Professional on this, bitch!

It's Not My Fault.

I HATE it when I get into these moods. Like out of no where I'll go from being happy and fine, to just feeling blah and fuck you. People ask me why and the only thing I can reply back with it "I don't know" and with that said, people then jump to conclusions that I just don't feel like telling them, or don't want to open up. Negative. I have nothing wrong with providing answers to the questions people ask, It's just that I really honestly don't know why I go through this. It sucks, and it makes me feel even worse now, because how stupid does that sound?

"Hi, I'm Shianne and uhh....I just can't seem to control my feelings."

Oh yeah, I'm sure people will just loove that. It's bothering me not only because I can't give a logical answer to the question "What's wrong" but also because they usually don't believe me when I say I don't know. The only part I don't get, is why that happens. I'm fine, like really. I'm happy with everything right now. There's nothing that should be causing this sudden mood change every now and then, so that's why I just don't understand this.
See I think I think too much, and I pretty much prove myself right when I lay awake in bed at night for hours just thinking and thinking. Now, my thinking isn't always bad, but it always isn't good either. I just over think things sometimes, and......
And I don't know where I'm going with this.
Good Night.

It just really ain't any fun if the homies cant have none

I can't sleep now, life keeps me awake.

I Wish

It Didn't Mean So Much To Me.

We've all been down this path before

You're trapped in this town
And it wears you down
When we leave today then maybe you'll understand
This constant struggle isn't always in the palm of my hand

I love how a song can just make you feel so great. Music is the best.

I guess you can say

I'm not too fucking crazy about today :/

Did you

Just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness??? stupid, STUPID, STUPIDBITCHES!

Ahhh it works every time :]

Have another drink,

And drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.

And you can think of me when you forget your seat belt,
And again when your head goes through the windshield

:]

You

Can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family<3

Thank you for breaking me down

When

I thought I was doing the right thing, I was wrong.
Horribly wrong.


Thanks and have a great life.

You'll see what your missing

Don't you get it?

I S T I L L F U C K I N G L O V E Y O U

I Never Knew You

You’re always dying inside that much closer to home
On a crowded street corner surrounded by people all alone
Pain in the heart, rain in the dark, the womb is glum and bitter
She walks around the corner, it’s like she brought the sun with her
Then everything just brightened up, I couldn’t make this up
My fingers in my eyes as she walked by like I was waking up
And so many words, I couldn’t string a sentence together to bother her
I instantly forgot all my plans and started to follow her

It’s like the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
And feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

Your legs are long and toned, you must be walking home
I love the way your lips move when you’re talking on your phone
Intoxicating, truly ? impurities
Plague every thought of you while I’m trailing you like you’re security
Lost, we couldn’t know our paths would cross but time knew it
Feet sticking out the window, a opportunity climbing through it
Pain for sale, looking to find a new taker
Chance to speak blown, when you looked at me I looked in the newspaper

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
And feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

I’m miles out of my way, creepy, I want more
Was gonna turn back but you stuck your key in your front door
I’m standing across the street, stars that aligned us to meet
Standing outside with your trash feeling incomplete
My finger aching for your doorbell like a random blog
Instead I lurk outside in the cold like an abandoned dog
Perish the thought, you should cherish the words that I got in my mouth
The only words that can truly explain how I got in your house

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
And feeling like your heart is beating solely for me
Unlikely, impossible, I couldn’t dream to think it
There’s something happening between us you can’t deceive
I’m so in over my head I’ve learned to breathe in it
Your eyes are screaming and you’re saying, “Oh baby” to me
If there was a way out I think you would’ve taken it
My hands and arms are the only way that you can leave
Face to face for the first time, you feel what I’m feeling
Selfishly no longer breathing because of me

It makes perfect sense.

!

! ! !

?

I know.

So,

I'm glad she did it once again, thank you.

:]

I try to think about rainbows when it gets bad.

You've got to think about something to keep from going mad.

It's in my blood.
I'm a liar and a hypocrite just like you.

I need a change in the most unhealthy way.

Everything

I do,

It reminds me of you

I really

Don't know, there's two, and then there's one.

Say N O T so S I M P L E, I wish it was.


ifonly.onlyif

Have you ever

Popped champagne on a plane, while getting' some brain?
Whipped it out, she said "I never seen snakes on a plane"
Whether you broke or rich you gotta get biz, Having money's not everything, not having it is.
I was splurging' on trizz but when I get my card back activated, I'm back to Vegas cause
I always had a passion for flashing' before I had it.
I close my eyes and imagine, the good life.

Is the good life
better than the life


I live

:p

Whenever

I feel low, I like to get high.

So we drove

On towards death through the cooling twilight.

H!

It's not my fault

I can promise you that.

If theres anything thing I hate,

It's TODAY. Today, THIS day; April 29th 2000, took my Dada away, and today I get the reminder that there's this huge hole in my heart and I'm a mess. Thanks for the reminder.

Another note, I don't know what to think anymore because you see, I did this test. I tested you to see if this whole "friendship is a two-way thing" was true and it really is. I mean last time I got a card, and that's pretty much it. But I was the one who actually told you why I was doing what I was doing, but now its different. I wanted to see if everything had to be on me, which I really didn't think would be true, but it turns out it is. I texted you for something hoping you'd maybe care to see what was going on, but I guess I'm just not that important anymore because nope, there was nothing. You told someone you lost touch with me ever since you moved schools? My phone numbers been the same, and you know where I live, AND you see my picture everyday as your number 3 "top friend", so I don't see why you lost touch. It really fucking hurts because here I thought, I would NEVER have to worry about finding someone who would always be there for me, but I guess I do. Yeah, I'm sure when you read this you'll get mad, or maybe even say "oh well she'll get over it" but no, the simple fact is you can't put anymore blame on me for this because for the past two fights I've reached out to YOU, and apparently you already found a replacement so please don't lie to me and tell me "Shianne, you know no one will ever replace you" because you have living proof. It'd be nice to hear from you, but I doubt it. It just really sucks when people ask me "Oh hey you and Sandra don't talk no more, huh?" and my only reply is "Yeah, i haven't heard from her in over a month, but she seems happy." I guess I'm just bitter that I turned into one of those girls who gets fucked up and tells the person everything that's eating me up inside, I guess I should cope with it, and move on, you seem fine.


toobadImnot.

Happy Birthday Dada, I really wish you were here<3

"and i can’t taste it.

cause it all gets lost
can’t figure out it’s meaning till i register its loss
so don’t you look at me like just another feather
falling from the wings of the angels
sent to protect you
I’m tragic,
and it all now shows
blacking out before the rain comes
and waking up soaked
i try to pretend that I’m far from what painfully close
and face the displacement of hating
what i faithfully chose
and this is obvious.
and thats exactly why you freeze
when you crawl behind my eyelids and peep
what i’ve been seeing
when you fall into your silence i find out
what they mean
when they say that its the quiet ones that
always wanna scream so...
hush
its not about your words
your force fed holiness will only make it worse
your force fed loneliness is scorching the burns
of what god really feels like compared to your words

it goes......
i can’t taste it.....

take a look at my life
take a look at my love
take a look at my soul
baby you cant save me
and you don’t know
that there’s an empty pot to piss in at the end of the road
"go""

It speaks to me.

So here's to another better year,

We've crossed that thin line,
don't try to hold us here,
And if for just this once you'd think of us,
I hope you're happy with yourself,

Just think about, just think about everything,
Be careful now, be careful what you say,
Run Away

This is the life we show, this is the life I lead,

They can never take this from me

Beauty

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.
But don't worry... you will




someday.

When I say

I think its funny how...

I hope you know,
It's just because,
I don't have the balls to say,

I think its cute how...

Always,

No, sometimes; i think it's me, but you know,
I know when it's a dream.
I think, No, I mean, Yes; but it's all wrong.
That is I think, I disagree.

La vita e bella

Life is beautiful.

Nobodys

happy anymore...

I have

EVERYTHING I don't need.

Aren't YOU jealous

If anything makes sense

Its exactly what you said. It makes you more human in a way that I can relate. I really don't know whats going on because what I wanted before, I sure as hell don't want anymore. and I feel super bad because I know it's just me being me; I lose interest in things very quickly, and I don't think you know that so I don't know what to say.
I'm me, and I know how I am, I just don't know why. The one thing that hurts me the most, I want the most. And the one thing that may actually make me really happy right now, I don't want to corrupt so I want nothing to do with it.

I know what I need, the problem is everyone thinks its wrong.

FUCK YOUR LIFE.
And let me live mine.

Once again, the loose ends hang untied, and will never be tied unless...

It's too much to ask for.
I'm scared that I don't have that control over you anymore and I HATE it

I want you

To want me.
I need you to need me.

That's

EXACTLY what I've been wishing for, and for some reason...
It's more of a curiosity feeling now, rather than everything it
used to be before, which was A LOT. I hope this ends good.

I wish I could

Leave!
I want her to shut the hell, shes such a hypocrite and
does nothing but bring out the worst in me. I can not
WAIT until 1 more year, she says she wants to leave so badly,
or how much she can't wait to move,
THEN WHY THE HELL DOESN'T SHE GO NOW.
It's not like shes here for me anyways, so I'll have no adjusting to do.
We're basically roommates, its quite sad.
I H A T E I T.

Oh my sweet little girl,

Hold your mouth and you'll be alright.

White Rabbit,

Today.

On another note, when I finish and I actually HAVE to face my fears, and I can't take something to subside them, I will be ruined.
Today will probably do a good number on me but I have to go.
Maybe it won't be so bad? Or maybe I'll just ignore you.

I'm off to my wonderland...again.
4 hours should be long enough so self-indulge.

YOUTHINKIHAVENTBUTTHETRUTHIS;IAMaddicted.

Go tell her about that, and how much a infuriate you.
Or sit at home, drowning in your morbid thoughts about self image,
And think about how I've messed up.
And how none of it's your fault.

I'll be waiting for a divine intervention,
A L O N E in my lost thoughts.

Take: One

I feel like today is a day to remove everything.
I must HAVE been lying when i said i wouldn't lie.
But i can't not lie, if lies aren't true
because your trues are lies just to make you happy.
I'm over happy, I'm above it.
Under everything else but you, i feel so empty.

.gnissimneebev'uoytahwwonkuoytahtknihtt'nodI,oN

Why am i thinking about you?..,..When
i think i can't think at all?
Or when my brain;
tells me not to think, because its bad...for

Y o u R

health.

I'm sorry YOU feel that way

I run away

From the bad life and indulge in a 3 minute heaven,
And once those 3 minutes are up,
I go back to the horrible life.
I fix myself up with something short term,
Something to give me a few hours of euphoria,
When there are plenty of things out there that can change
My whole life rather than my mood for that day,

I will never complain again about my life,
I will never again look at things the same,
In the next two years, amazement will be created.

I was told something today that made me realize,
I've always thought I found things that inspired me,
But the truth of the matter is,
Today i was inspired, and honestly,
I can't wait until I can get out of here.

I P R O M I S E D M Y S E L F

I'll do what I do best,

I'll run away from it,
Drowned my pain,
Drowned it in something that hurts me more than the situation,
Push it aside,
And then let it eat me away slowly,
slowly, it'll eat me away.
But I'll fake a smile, joke around a bit,
And nobody will ever know, exactly what it takes
To get rid of you.

I'll wash you away with Smoke and Blood.

i've never told you this;

But You still give me major butterflies,
And i still want to kiss your forever,
And I melt every time you hold me,
And I wish every moment that I'm with you

I would have the guts to tell you that I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through,
and that I wish we could go back to the way we were a few years ago.

But most of all,
I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry I'm barely realizing all this now,
because I know your happy and I just...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry I feel this way.


your the worst thing that's ever happened to me

If it means ANYTHING

I look at songs as a way to say the words I could never really say,
And this song hits home with me every single time.
I wish everything was how it was again, but for some reason
It never stays the same and I HATE IT.

Everything In Time(Los Angeles)

She asked how we are
She asked If I was all weird again
And of course I am
But I'm trying really hard
So I lied to her
And I was wearing this prisoner face
So deep inside she had to know
Once again I've lost control

For everything, there is a reason
Everything, I hope in time, will come

Lying in your bed
I am a refugee you try to love
But the love that he killed
Keeps coming back and haunting me
Am I wasting all of your time
And all my cute days on regrets?
Is it healthy that we met?

Everything always in time will show
Then we will know it will show
Everything always in time will come

Is it wrong holding in on too much?
To my best friend, my faded lover?
Who knows?

Cinderella Hope
And it's all because he made me laugh
Coincidence or fate
Running towards a catastrophe
Save me

Everything always in time is gone
It'll be gone, we'll be gone
Everything always in time will come
Oh it will come, it will come
For everything there is a reason
I believe for everything there is a reason
And everything always in time will come

Week < Weak

"I think it's just time to give in. I was taught to always fight, but I was never taught how to win."

"And just because you want to burn yourself down to a million of pieces, doesn't mean you should let other people start your fire."

"When all I want to do is scream for help, and exactly how much I miss you, my lungs are shriveling up, being filled with misery, and all I can do is give in, let myself drowned in this sea of sorrow."

-Me

Entrance;

Access granted.

If the seal is broken,

Please throw away.

My seal is broken.

E X P I R E D.

Me vs. Me

Its disgusting, but I can't stop.
I really want to, but it's really not in my control.

I can't get help, I don't want help.

Let me
Kill me

Let me
Improve me

Let me
Doubt me

Let me
Heal me

Let me
Hate me.


Its sad when an object so much smaller than you,
Has SO much control over you.

I cough until there's blood,
I laugh until I cry,
I pretend everything's alright,
And I always ask myself WHY?

OH DEAR GOD!

i think i just puked...
That is just the concrete foundation to my opinion,
that all the hot people date unattractive people.

hahahahahahaha wooooooooooooooW
I'm soo fucking amused,
Thats it!
We should place bets on this
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If I had

A dollar for every time I said I was going to make plans with her,
I'd buy a rope and hang myself with it.

Sometimes I wonder how I get so caught up?

I hope she understands or even accepts that I'm fucked up.

I
just
hope
she
doesn't
give
up on


me.

Another one bites the dust,

Time to find a new one.
The cycle never breaks, and I think that's what I love the most.

I don't want to hurt you,

But it's ALL i know.

I guess,

Its a good thing I don't have kids and don't have to worry about bills. Probably due to the fact that I'm only 17 years young, and I like to enjoy myself. I'm not one to sit here and compare scars and tell you how much my mom's making, who's a single mom may I add, with no job, and with my younger sister to provide for. Now tell me how am I throwing my money away, if I have a steady life, and home life, and never once complain. I'm not sitting here complaining that I'm poor. Money is the least of my problems, I don't need money to feel happy. If you want somebody who cares, try talking to some one, I'm no genius, but that usually works. You shouldn't bring other peoples good lifes down with your problems or despair. It's called balance, I have it, my close friends do, you should find it too. It's how we manage our lives, so it doesn't get so lonely. So next time your going to be speaking about me, lets set up an interview, yeah? So that way, maybe you can get the facts for once, and not just spread out your opinion like its the truth.
Thanks,

CAPTCHAS Are really hard to read while stoned.

It really is, or they really are, whats the right way to say that?
Hmmm, oh yeah, i wanted to comment about how fucking weird my head feels.
Like the back of my neck IS ON FIRE!
and the top of my head feels like its getting pulled!
Fucking trippy as fucks,
tracks....railroad tracks....UHHH
hahahah that sounds like a rap.
This feeling is WACK! WHoa! i Feel like everybody should feel.
High. Stoned. Baked. Faded.
How ever you say it, its A M A Z I N G.
THE ENd.

OHMYDEARGOD!

I find it soo fucking amusing! Wow, I mean, in person with you, your a lot different than the way you come off over the internet. Its funny, like your oh so rebellious, saying fuck this and fuck that, yet everyday you go home to the same ol' routine of falling into the arms of your mom and dad and constantly realizing your all alone. I love it, it makes me feel that my shitty life, is going a lot better than I thought, and I now, have no reson to complain.
I L O V E I T.
Every moment of it, hate on it.
I L O V E I T.

In other words;
FUCKING LOVE GROOVE 09! It's going to be by FAR my best Valentines Day ever!
<3

With blurred vision,

I got my thoughts straight,
I'm better now. I really am.
I just needed to cry, and I did.
I cried, and cried and cried...until I puked.
I cried until my eyes burned when they hit the sun, until I puked. It was a weird feeling, but after I felt new.
That moment ment a lot to me, I'm starting to want more.

I Don't want to let it all fall,

TRYNOTTOSAVEME.TRYNOTTOCARE.
CAHPTER ONE: Honest Time; I'm a horrible fucked up person. I was brought to tears when the girl I like, said the fucking sweetest things about me, I literally haven't cried that hard in a long time. I Saw something in the words she spoke, I thought to myself, "Hey, she wouldn't be saying this if it wasn't true, you should try to see it in you." So I'm starting to believe, I CAN change, and I CAN get my head in the right places. My story should end here.

CHAPTER TWO: Please come home; Everything is fake. My smile I put on, the emotions I lead you into, the person you believe I am, FAKE. I hide myself, you'll never get in. You wouldn't want to, I'm fucked up. I'm a mess, I can't sleep, I bleed for euphoria, I'm addicted to the one thing I wished never to get addicted to, I'm a cheater and a liar, I'm so insecure, I'm ashamed of myself and I have no self respect. I use sex and lust to feel wanted and cared about, to fill that empty feeling in my gut that tells me "nobody cares", when all I want to do is be held and to tell you whats wrong. I cry myself to sleep at night, the simplest compliment make me cry because I know its a lie, Nobody is capable of loving me, I'm a monster, I run from the truth in all direction, I live in the past. I shed my skin and say that I'm going to start over and I never do, I can't. People give up on me, they can't handle it, I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I bury myself in my own misery, I hate when people care, but I need them to. I have problems; NOT cries for attention, by you saying this it only makes them 300 times worse. I'm NOT okay and I WON'T be fine. And now I'm doing the one thing I hate the most. I'm venting and sobbing in front of a computer, but it's the only person here.

CHAPTER THREE: Your always watching me to see if your head should hang down; The one thing i wish for is someone. I need a fucking divine intervention, I need just for someone to listen to me cry and hear what i have to say, I need something, but I don't know. Are you with me? Are you reading this? Can you feel my pain? Because I can, I feel it everyday, I feel it so much, I'm used to it, its part of me, I hate it. Be there, please.

I wonder,

I wonder at times, Wheres the light at?
"There's always a light at the end, just stay patient and wait for it."

A person can only wait for so long until they give up,
I gave up a long time ago.

Thanks for caring, thanks for checking up on me, seeing how I've been, why I'm crying so much, why I'm the worst I've ever been, why everything's changing.
I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I completely understand how much this friendship means to you.

I don't think I can say that enough,
The only person that gets me wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I want to vent to wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I want to cry to wants n o t h i n g to do with me.
The only person who I trust wants n o t h i n g to do with me.

ITBREAKSMYHEART.

I must say,

I thought last years time around was fucked up, but man oh man have your proved me and everyone else wrong. You really did it this time, really though...how could you do that? Guilt? Remorse? Anything?!? It sure doesn't seem like it, I just wish you could stop "having fun" and realize how bad your fucking him up, not to mention your real life. But I guess you'll figure that out when everything hits you and then your going to, of course, blame it on someone else, because its never your fault right?
Of course, silly me.
But how does that go?
Fool me once shame on me,
Fool me twice,Shame on you.

Your so much better than this, I just wish you'd start acting like it and stop making me look so stupid for defending you.

Anyways,

They don't know you like I do.
They'll never know you

Expired

Time.
Its time to grow up, fuck.
How hard could it be right?
I mean I have people telling me not to stress, not to cry, its not worth it, the hard time will come later.
If things are hard now I can only imagine.
Habits need to stop, because I need a job.
So I need to detox. How fun, right?
But whatever there is to offer, I'm willing to take, sober though.
Different story, i guess.
Time to grow up,
How I've always yearned to hear these words,
It's such a different feeling when your older and you know how fucked up people are and just exactly how cruel this place we live in really is.
"God bless America" and all its lovely cheap tricks we get.

Your journey starts...







NOW.

Note to self;

Just because you close your eyes, doesn't mean it'll go away.

Who

Are you?

-Simple...But can you answer it?

Now

Is when I start to think,
if I'll ever stop falling down this rabbit hole,
and when exactly will reality hit me?

Then,
Is when I felt the worst and just wanted to leave.
Scars are here to stay,
and the regrets are endless.

Now,
Is when I start to trip over everything I say
because I cant believe this is really happening,
Should I stop?

Then,
Is when my heart was happy,
filled with life and hate
all because of you.

Now,
Is when I wish i never met you,
let alone tasted you,
or fallen in love with you.

Then,
Is when you had control over me,
pushed and pulled me,
and I let everything.

Now,
Is when I get over things,
I say FUCK YOU,
I don't give a fuck,
I want to be free,
I don't want you,
I don't need you,
I look in the mirror and see "fuck up"
I start worrying about the now instead of the then.